Lake Martin (JM) - Former 'Wonder Years' star and HealthSouth VP for Media Relations Jason Hervey was slain, butchered and eaten by ousted former CEO Richard Scrushy during a two-week period immediately preceding Scrushy's criminal trial. According to sources close to the story, the eating was entirely consensual and fulfilled Hervey's deeply sycophantic need to please his superiors while providing Scrushy with the combined strength and mental powers greater than the sum of his and Hervey's parts.

A freshly-shaved and silk-clad Hervey consumed several 'Cosmopolitan' cocktails mixed with a light dose of horse tranquilizer before Scrushy caused his death. Assisted by medical assistants loyal to the former CEO, Scrushy then divided Hervey's flesh into select cuts, smokers, and sweetmeats. A feast of Hervey's flanks was accompanied by piņeola nuts and chianti, served by candlelight on the screened dining porch.

Over the course of two weeks, Scrushy consumed over 27 pounds (12.25 kg) of Hervey's body, kept fresh in a specially-built refrigerated locker adorned with mementos from Hervey's former corner office at the HealthSouth Corporate Offices on Highway 280.

In a press conference following his aquittal, Scrushy credited his former VP with sustaining and protecting him during the arduous trial. He then eyed prosecuter Alice Martin's hams and licked his lips slyly.