Fyffe(JM) Unable to keep pace with the sheer volume of weird news hemorrhaging from rural Alabama, 'News of the Weird'
has opened its first branch office in an abandoned hemp-stamp printing office in
downtown Fyffe. Best known for its string of UFO sightings and cattle
mutilations in the late 1980's, Fyffe's downtown is experiencing a
renaissance of weird-related business activities such as Bro. Pete's
Discount Organic Goat Products to the offices of eLather.com, offering
online specifications and links to hard-to-find foaming agents for
industrial and residential clients around the globe.
Visiting from his home in Tampa, "News of the Weird" founder Chuck
Shephard joined with newly-hired local bureau chief Howell Raines to
toss out the ceremonial first mullet. After a short speech praising
Alabama's unparalleled per-capita weirdness quotient, Shephard turned
the stage over to the 10-member Atmore State Prison Men's Chorus, (all
of whom share the middle name 'Wayne'). A delicious lunch of waxworm
fritters and cricket jambalaya was served by local insect-chef J. T.
Brown and a benedictory prayer was offered by Loquman Ali, a
Tone-Scientist and Architect of the Planes of Discipline who studied
under the legendary Sun-Ra.
Shephard expects the Alabama bureau of NOTW to contribute twenty to
thirty percent of the content which he publishes in his weekly
syndicated column and premium subscription editions. "Alabama might not
have a lot of crazy secular-humanist college professors performing
weird classroom experiments with octopi, but the state more than makes
up for it with rattle-snake tossing yokels, unlettered lay-pastors in
public office, and some alarmingly successful half-baked hoaxes. Toss
in a few incompetent criminals and I could almost write the whole thing