Local Man Makes Quick Stop For Valentine Condoms
Finds Valentine Process 'Embarrassing'
Southside() - Highland Avenue resident Sam Harris announced his displeasure Tuesday night over the condom buying process at one area supermarket. According to Harris, it was impossible to purchase the condoms in a discreet manner. "I just needed some quick protection," said Harris. "I knew that the Western was a little too public, but I live at Highland Towers so it was on the way." Harris stated that it didn't help his situation that a lot of "weirdos" tend to frequent the Highland Avenue Western during late night hours. "I'm just lumped in with the rest of them," he said. "Sometimes I go looking for a machine at a gas station or a bar bathroom to avoid having to face a checkout lady."
Harris says he tries buying other items along with the condoms, "so it looks like I'm doing my normal shopping - only it's midnight!" Harris says he also makes bad decisions when it is late and he has been drinking. "Sometimes I might get some apples and some Campbell's soup, and then try to slide the condoms in with that stack. But I have to be careful with what I get. For instance, I don't want to buy a blank videotape and some butter, and then also the rubbers. Or a clothesline and duct tape in the same trip. Or cucumbers. I guess if I were thinking clearly I wouldn't be in this situation in the first place."
When asked about how his [sex] partner feels, Harris adds, "Hell, I don't mind birth control - my girlfriend goes to the doctor to get her pills every month, but what she goes through at the doctor's office is different. She looks like she's planning and preparing [for responsible sex] - but me? I look like I got a hooker out in the car. Which I don't." Harris then went on to say that he is sure it is only his feeling that is any way compromised by the responsible use of condoms.
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Local Man Vows not to Have Valentine, Doesn't
UAB Master Plan Allows Room for City to Shrink
About Bear Bryant...
The south didn't actually lose the Civil war. They traded away their certain victory for the right to be the future home of Bear Bryant.
Hounds used to line up to donate their teeth to Bear Bryant's hat.
Bear Bryant had no tear ducts, nor did he need them.
2/15 Post consumerist sugar binge, morning-after hangover.
2/17 Some sort of Master Plan probably being unveiled today.