Outbreak Of Condomania Grips City In Fear
Infection Vectors Unknown
City Center () - As many as 85-90 cases of a rare disease have infected otherwise healthy adults in the Birmingham area. The affliction, known as 'condomania', makes victims mortally afraid of quiet neighbors and trees. Researchers have yet to isolate the disease or its cause, but have been able to prolong sufferer's lives by moving them into crowded high rise apartments. The few remaining vacant loft dwellings in the downtown area are being used for this purpose. "We don't know if it is the great light from all the windows, or the hard surfaces that make them feel comfortable, we just know it works," said UAB Condologist J.B. 'Buzz' Howser. But city boosters are worried that space is running out. "We have reached a critical point," said ONB President Michael Calvert. "Victims of this terrible disease need more places to convalesce, and the city center is just plain full."
The CDC in Atlanta, and Southern Research Institute are working closely with ONB and others to find a way to deal with the anticipated epidemic. "We know at this point that it is only going to get worse," said CDC Director Dr. Julie Gerberding. "The infection vectors are just not known at this time, so we have no way of stemming the spread." SRI plans to create temporary space for victims at its Quinlan Castle property, but will not allow the use of any parking for visitors. "We don't think these people should have visitors," said CEO Robert 'Bob' Lonergan. "That will only increase the spread of this pathetic malady."
Although mainly young-adults have been infected so far, parents are not taking any chances with their children. Public swimming pools are deserted and the last city basketball court was bulldozed yesterday at Marconi Park. "We don't live in Birmingham," said Helena resident Amanda Grover. "But we are staying extra far away. We couldn't afford for this to happen to us. Just think having to live in one of those high-rises AND pay for private school."
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6/22 Summer begins for rest of northern hemisphere.
7/3 Forecast calls for scattered pyrotechnics.
7/4 Annual Lee Greenwood Marathon on WZZK-FM.
7/7 RESPECT! opens. (Queen of Soul unconfirmed at presstime).
7/9 Steeldogs vs. Knights of Macon (mmm. Macon).
7/9-10 Alabama Gun Collectors at the BJCC.
7/14 Beatnik Activists sell coffee at the Civil Rights Institute.
7/15 Idolatry comes to the BJCC.
7/16 Steeldogs vs. Wildcats.
7/16-17 Tannehill Trade Days (Shurikens, $5 and up).
7/29-30 Sportscar Road Racing at Barber's Folly.