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Local Man Survives Extended Succubus Attack
Rediscovers LP Collection
In an extraordinary stroke of good fortune, local man James Whitcomb just escaped the final death embrace of a demonic succubus that had been masquerading as a somewhat homely yet startlingly intellectual girl. Several succubi are known to exist in the greater Birmingham area where they infest libraries, coffee shops and the UAB English department. These parasitic creatures are known to prey upon virile, heterosexual males in order to drain them of their confidence and individuality. Once a succubus captures a victim, it 'possesses' them and begins to slowly transform them into hideous metrosexual freaks.

The initial stages of possession begin with barely perceptible changes such as the disappearance of old concert t-shirts or a sudden craving for Thai cuisine. During the intermediate stage of the process, the victim may express an interest in experimental theater or tell his friends that listening to 'This American Life' "really isnít that bad." Finally, a kind of living death occurs in which the victim loses all willpower and is unable to enjoy cheap domestic beer or even Jackie Chan movies. Almost as traumatic as the actual possession is the emotional damage that occurs to friends and family members who are forced to watch helplessly as young men are robbed of their souls.

For several years, Whitcomb's succubus had been steadily draining his life force. It had sucked out every bit of his normal level-headed kindness and left him hollow with no way to express his own desires and feelings. Sensing that Whitcomb's inability to maintain his identity would eventually destroy him and allow it to consume his soul, the succubus began to feed more greedily with each passing day. Only Whitcomb's overall goodness finally enabled him to escape its clutches. The decency of Whitcomb's character meant that his final destruction would have come without the torment and drama that is the only fuel the succubus truly understands.

The pathetic Whitcomb was apologizing to the end for not being able to provide meaning for the succubus's existence. "I kept apologizing for everything and feeling guilty about not being everything it wanted," said Whitcomb. "I know now that as difficult as human females are, there is no way to please a succubus. You would die trying." The succubus was next seen latching onto another victim who apparently has none of the positive qualities of Whitcomb, but enjoys sitting on the floor, drinking in isolation in order to work himself up into a good tortured state. Early reports indicate that the succubus is able to help him get to that state faster.