LANGFORD STEALS CHRISTMAS!
Attempts to Return at Western Hills Mall
Five Points West() Jefferson County Commission President Larry Langford arrived at the Summit location of Parisian in the quiet hours of the night last night. He came in an empty white panel van (on loan from the county) and before the night was over, bore away the Christmas wishes of many over-the-mountain children. Langford's plan to steal Christmas had been festering in his heart ever since Saks Inc. announced plans to close two under-performing Parisian locations. "I'm sick of their whining about 'profit margins' and 'same store sales'" said Langford. "What they [Saks Inc.] really mean is that our people don't deserve Parisians."
Fed up waiting for Saks to come up with plans for a new store in the western area, Langford decided to keep Christmas from coming to The Summit at all. Enlisting the aide of his trusty assistant Shelia Smoot, he packed every last bit of merchandise into the van and crept away towards Bessemer.
Langford waited in the Western Hills Mall parking lot until morning. When Parisian opened its doors, Langford proceeded to the first register where he attempted to return all of the Summit merchandise. When he was unable to produce a receipt, sales associate Sally Beals was obliged to explain the Parisian return policy. "I told him that I could only refund the lowest sale price on all of the merchandise unless he could provide a receipt. He said that would be ok."
When Beals began to scan the merchandise, her computer reported that most of the items were never stocked at the Western Hills Parisian. "I asked Mr. Langford if he was sure that the merchandise came from the Western Hills store," said Beals. "He mumbled something about not being sure, then took his huge sack and left." What Langford did next is something of a Christmas miracle.
While waiting outside for Shelia to pull the van up, Langford began to think about all of the ways that his people might be able to support a new Parisian. All at once he exclaimed, "I know!" "A public private partnership is perfect to promote poshness in our parish." With that he flung open his sack and spread the clothes, shoes, hats, and cosmetics all over the parking lot for the good little children of Midfield. Then Langford's shriveled heart grew to fill his great head and he proclaimed with a loud voice a promise to shop more at Western Hills Mall, and less at the Visionland Outlets.
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FROM THE GALLERIA DAY
DEC. 1 - MY BIRTHDAY. I NEED A