The Birminghamster
For April 14, 2004 "He was a cruel man, but fair." - Vol. IV No. XII published every other Wednesday

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    Gwen Sykes to Hire Non-Pervert

Possible candidate

Birmingham() Responding to overwhelming pressure from her fellow council members, Birmingham City councilwoman Gwen Sykes today promised to end her discriminatory 'perverts only' hiring policy. The decision to hire a non-pervert is a dramatic departure for Sykes whose 'A chicken in every pot and two sex offenders on every block' slogan carried her to a landslide victory in 2001 over incumbent Aldrich Gunn. Sykes announced the creation of a publicly funded task force whose sole purpose would be to halt the hire of any more perverts to her staff.

A rigorous screening process would also prevent anyone with more than three aliases from joining the task force. The councilwoman says she has received many public expressions of sympathy that have helped her in this difficult time. "My constituency understands a good man is hard to find." Sykes, who holds a Masters Degree in Educational Leadership, attempted to use her skills to hold the sexual predilections of her employees in check but ultimately failed when a fight broke out between Hezekiah 'Fellatio' Jackson and Willie 'Bigus Dickus' Lucas. Soon after this, former Sykes aide Tristian Hamilton was captured while sampling a Hong Kong brothel. A furious Sykes defended Hamilton, "He was doing research for a book he was writing."

Sykes laid the blame for these incidents squarely upon Gunn. "Aldrich Gunn's unnatural passions inflamed their loins and dulled their logic until they could stand no more." Despite the controversy surrounding them, the ex-aides are going forward with their respective careers. Jackson's attempt to accuse every single Birmingham City employee of sexual harassment ultimately ended in failure. Undaunted, the former aide recently announced his candidacy for Sykes's council seat from his office in the second stall of the men's room at the Birmingham Transport Authority. Hamilton, on the other hand, has just signed a lucrative deal to pose for next month's edition of Prison Bride magazine. When asked for comment on all of this, former councilman Aldrich Gunn stated, "Can’t nobody be telling a man what to do, a word to the wise is sufficient."

Southside Blight Barrier Nears Completion


Problem solved

Southside() A spokesman for local contractors Brasfield & Gorrie announced this morning that the construction firm had completed the initial phase of Southside's highly anticipated Blight Barrier. Mayor Kincaid made the eradication of blight a top priority in his recent 'Too Many Old Buildings' speech. "If we allow blighted neighborhoods to continue to exist without intervention, there's no telling what might happen." Financing for the project was provided by increasing Birmingham's popular occupational tax to ten percent, which, states Kincaid, "really should have been done years ago."

Southside was chosen as the site of the initial barrier due to its proximity to the heavily gentrified neighborhoods of Redmont and Forest Park. If the Southside project proves successful, however, similar barriers are to be constructed in Eastlake and Tarrant. In order to supervise the project the city hired Seth Glass, the renowned blight specialist who helped reshape Detroit in the seventies and early eighties. One of the earliest proponents of controlled blight, Glass advocates the use of 'Blight Barriers', zones of total destruction through which new blight cannot spread. "A lot of people think that the best way to combat urban decay is by renovating derelict homes and vacant buildings," states Glass. "Nothing could be further from the truth. You must fight blight with blight." In addition to the destruction of any older, blight-infested buildings, Glass also advises that the zone should be surrounded by a further barrier of pawn shops and liquor stores, which, he notes, are completely blight resistant.

Construction of the barrier involves three major phases. First the area in question is bulldozed in order to remove any unsightly historical buildings. After the initial destruction, the rubble is set afire and allowed to burn unchecked. Finally, the earth itself is heavily salted to ensure that the area remains free of any blight attractors such as grass, flowers or trees. Local low-cost developer Ken Boehm is enthusiastic about the new barrier. "Before the Blight Barrier, most of my tenants were living on streets lined with century old trees and houses. There were no vacant lots in sight. I can't imagine how horrible that must have been for them."

Hueytown Passes Marriage Definition Ordinance

non-gay church
Gay friendly, civil union averse

Hueytown(JM) During their regular second Tuesday meeting last night, the Hueytown city council passed a new ordinance to define marriage as 'the blessed union of a Christian man and a virgin.' Councilor Harlan 'Woody' Newton introduced the bill in order, as he said, "to preserve the sanctity of an institution under attack, and to reaffirm our city's commitment to traditional Christian beliefs." Borgia Blackton also spoke out in favor of her colleague's motion, saying that it was incumbent upon the council to act "in light of all the foolishness going on around this country." According to Mrs. Blackton the [homosexuals] are swooping in to take advantage of a country pre-occupied with war. "While all the real men are off fighting for our freedom in Afghanistan and Iraq, the [homosexuals] think they have the place to themselves. I can tell you one thing, if they think they can come to Hueytown for their unholy 'civil union' they can just turn right around and go back to California."

Hueytown's action is already gathering acclaim from groups that lobby for traditional family values. Scottie Gerbinder, a spokesman for the Defense of the American Family Foundation, said that Hueytown was setting an example for cities across the nation that are fending off liberal incursions aimed at destroying the traditional American family. "Hueytown has seen the writing on the wall and taken a bold step to secure the institution of marriage from those that seek to rip it to shreds." Patti Leffel, a certified family therapist, expressed mixed feelings about the new ordinance. "I think it's great that they stood up for families and traditional marriage, but I see a lot of folks come in my office in tears, and it's not going to help them save their marriage if the mistakes of the past nullify their vows. I always tell folks that you've got to be ready to forgive. With the way this [ordinance] is written, I'm afraid more marriages will just fall apart."

Asked to respond, Councilor Newton said that there's a place for forgiveness, certainly, but that this law has to be strong to set an example. He left open the possibility that Christian men may be able to seek a modified form of marriage with a forgiven slut, but that true marriage must remain pristine. "Past affairs can be a real thorn in the side of an otherwise good and decent marriage. Lord knows, I might still be with my second wife if she hadn't been such a harlot in her youth."