The Birminghamster
For April 25, 2001 "Nobody beats Vitas Gerulaitus 18 times in a row." - Vol. I No. XXV published every other Wednesday

Subscribe to the 'Hamster email update!



Chi Chi

Rodriguez Awaits Next Stroke
Doping Scandal Taints Bruno's Classic
Greystone() Chi Chi Rodriguez caused thousands of area school children to cry when it was announced today that he had been taking performance enhancing drugs for at least the past three Bruno's Memorial Classic golf tournaments. Rodriguez himself was shocked by the announcement until he learned that the drug in question was in fact Viagara. Rodriguez made it clear that the Viagra is not supposed to have an effect on his golf game, but the fact that his average driving distance has gone up steadily in the last three tournaments has many proclaiming his guilt.

Rodriguez, long popular for his golf club wielding antics on the course, has said that he still plans to hold the traditional children's fencing camp during the week before the tournament. "It's not like I'm taking androstenedione or something like that. I'm no Marco Pantani, but you know, I have to keep up appearances. But it's getting much harder as I get older." When asked how he was able to correctly pronounce 'androstenedione' when the rest of his English is so heavily accented, Rodriguez responded that he was a huge Mark McGwire fan. "Of course I don't use it myself, but I heard a lot about it in the news."

The PGA has no official policy on the use of Viagara, but says it will keep a close eye on the field. For his part, Rodriguez says that his personal drug use is nobody's business. "Besides, it's not like I'm the only one using prescription drugs. Raymond Floyd has been taking Rogaine for about ten years, and no one has complained. I also understand that Lee Trevino is on some sort of arthritis medication."

During the practice round on Wednesday afternoon, it was clear that Rodriguez's fan support has not diminished one bit following the announcement. Of the hundred or so children and parents in attendance, not one had anything negative to say about Rodrgiuez. Most of them hope the controversy will simply dry up once the tournament starts.


Pissing Fan
NASCAR Fans Split Over Pissing, Praying Calvin
Talladega() At the Talladega 500 this past weekend, the lack of caution extended from the track to the massive crowd of unwashed gathered to witness the event. A pitched battle started in the campgrounds as early as last Monday when the first trailers began to arrive. It was immediately apparent that trouble was a-brewin' over the correct decal to place on your truck or RV: pissing Calvin, or praying Calvin. Last year's event saw the clear winner in Calvin pissing on the #3 of Dale Earnhardt. This year even former Earnhardt detractors had removed such blasphemous stickers from their vehicles.

Without a clear replacement, many NASCAR fans had Calvin pissing on #20 Tony Stewart. Others simply picked the praying Calvin in memory of all those who have died in racing. Daryl Pickens, driver of a 1980 Ford F-150, explained why he chose the praying Calvin decal for his sliding rear window. "It's not that I like Stewart, it's just that I felt so bad about Earnhardt I had to do something. It was like losing a member of the family. I only hope Dale Jr. can fill his daddy's shoes someday."

In general it seemed that more Ford truck owners were adorned with the praying Calvin, while Chevy owners seemed to prefer the pissing Calvin. Those fans with Rebel flags flying high above their campsite, and David Allen Coe playing loudly on their music system tended to prefer the pissing Calvin. Dale Jarrett fans to a man preferred the praying Calvin image.

An all out brawl erupted Saturday night when a Dodge Truck rolled in with what appeared to be a Calvin pissing on #28 Ricky Rudd. The driver narrowly escaped with his life when it was noticed that the #28 was in fact a #20 with some mud spattered on it. No final agreement was reached on this issue before camp broke up late Sunday night. The only unanimous decision reached was that it is always acceptable to have Calvin pissing on Jeff Gordon.

Retarded place

Tax Target
Mountain Brook Passes 'Retard' Tax
Mountain Brook() Desperate for new sources of revenue from an already landlocked tax base, Mountain Brook leaders have decided to begin taxing the mentally disabled. The Harvest Glen Market in Crestline Village has always received tax exempt status as a non-profit run by Glenwood Incorporated. But all that is about to change next month as the city of Mountain Brook begins collecting sales tax from the store and an occupational tax from its employees, most of whom have autism.

According to City Manager Sam Gaston, there was no other choice. "We simply had to tax the retards. When Birmingham came in the back door and annexed all of that Summit [shopping center] property we were caught with our pants down. We thought we were going to go through Cahaba Heights and get that Highway 280 property. Now all we are left with is more worthless residential property. We can't build an empire like this."

This clever annexing gerrymandering by former Mayor Richard Arrington allowed Birmingham to go around Irondale to annex the Birmingham Racecourse (formerly Birmingham Turf Club) property, and to beat both Mountain Brook and Vestavia to the coveted Highway 280 corridor. Birmingham is now receiving better than 50% of its sales tax revenue from the Mountain Brook and Vestavia residents who flock to the upscale Summit, not knowing they are in the city of Birmingham.

Mountain Brook is hoping to make up for some of this lost revenue with the 'Retard Tax.' In much the same way Birmingham is able to tax the McWane Center by labeling it an 'amusement venture', Mountain Brook will be able to tax Harvest Glen as an 'amusing place.' "These retards have gotten the idea that they are different somehow," said Gaston. "We have to make sure they understand that taxes apply to them too."

The Harvest Glen Market is popular with Mountain Brook residents due to its unique atmosphere and friendly staff. "The retards are always so friendly," said long time customer Deb Reiner. "They genuinely seem to want to help, and they always remember me." But Manager Gaston insists that this does not make Harvest Glen special. "If we went around treating businesses specially based on the competence of their staff, then half of the McDonald's in the area would be tax exempt."