The Birminghamster
For June 9, 2004 "There you go again..." - Vol. V No. I published every other Wednesday

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  HealthSouth to Partner with Just for Feet on Range of Projects

drivin' on over

Unstoppable duo

Birmingham(JM) Acting CEO Robert May announced this morning that HealthSouth Corporation has entered into a partnership agreement with Just for Feet, Inc. The combined company will jointly manage the nearly completed all-digital hospital located on Highway 280 south of I-459, renaming it 'Digital Hospital: Just for Feet'.

"I happened to run into [former Just For Feet CEO] Harold [Ruttenberg] in the smoking lounge at the Federal Courthouse during one of those interminable pre-trial hearings and we really hit it off," recounted May. "We got to talking about our companies’ leftover assets, and I think there’s some real synergy there. Ruttenberg agreed. "If we’re serious about taking care of our customers’ feet, access to state of the art patient-care is critical," he said. "In the past, we’ve had difficulty tracking our customers' needs, but with the digital hospital, we’ll have much finer control over the whole process."

Besides the re-christened 'Digital Hospital: Just for Feet,' a number of other joint ventures are in the planning stages. Basketball courts and popcorn machines are being installed at the homes of all the judges and agency heads involved in both companies’ bankruptcy and fraud cases. And the companies plan to combine their extensive media production capabilities to create a new entertainment network.

The 'HSJFF Channel' will be broadcast from former Just for Feet World Headquarters, via an in-house satellite service, to HealthSouth’s 1300 locations in the U.S. and abroad. 'The Bo and Jason Show' will feature ex multi-sport athlete Bo Jackson with former child superstar Jason Hervey in an hour-long madcap variety-skit show, with hot girl-band 3rd Faze providing the music. 'Dallas County Limits' will present performances by up-and-coming country and western bands on weekday evenings. And HealthSouth founder Richard Scrushy will host a faith-based talk show on weekday mornings. "Rehabilitation has always been one of our core services," May said, "and we believe that the combined entertainment capabilities of our two companies, simulcast into every room in digital surround sound, will really motivate patients to get up and get moving."

Arch-Conservative Too Liberal For Alabama

Christian values

Dartmouth conservative

Montgomery() In Tuesday's battle between extreme-conservative Jean Brown and super-king-kamea-conservative Tom Parker for a seat on the Alabama Supreme Court, the more liberal of the two was defeated. Endorsed by such left-wing papers as The Alabama Baptist, Justice Brown stood little chance in the state's post Moore climate. "Besides being a woman, she supported dangerous rights for women to have," said Parker in an election night victory celebration. "I believe the people in this state know the problems that women in pants have caused with all of their votes." Sick of Alabama being the 'amen corner' for liberal groups like the ACLU and Southern Poverty Law Center, Parker campaigned on the 'No Blacks, No Women, More Moore' platform that most Alabamians see as our way out of poverty and crime. "We are tired of elitists and the educated running things," said Parker. "We will take back this state for our forefathers." The group then gathered together and knelt in a prayer of thanksgiving before singing along to Judy Rogers' Roy Moore tribute.

During her concession speech, Brown was apologetic for some of her more socially conscious moves. "My pledge not to break federal laws concerning same-sex marriage was misguided. I should have said that I would stand at the border and bar the sodomites from invading our state." Parker in turn was quite clear about his position. "It's been a long time since that war, and I'm not sure I remember who won. I'd like to see what the Federals have to say about us enforcing our state laws." Brown was also apologetic about her handling of the Moore ten-commandments flap. "I should never have voted against a judge for being a self-promoting scofflaw with no intention but to use his elected position as a pulpit. I was misguided in my attempts to interpret the law. Much as the bible is interpreted for many different ends, I'm sure I could have found something in the constitution that supported government establishment of religion."

Parker was assured that his repeated use of catch phrases and demonizing his opponents would carry him beyond the Supreme Court. "These Clintonesque false-conservatives had better learn to talk straight," said Parker. "Don't say you'll abide by federal law...say you support gay marriage. "Don't try to fool us with your Kerry-like double talk." Eagle Forum founder Phyllis Schlafly agrees with Parker on his positions concerning marriage, women, and families. "He's just like Reagan," said Schlafly. "He's exactly what us female conservatives want, someone to stand behind." Parker said he hopes to have time to hear cases as an associate justice, but admits he may be too busy with his ten commandments battle to take interpreting the law too seriously.

Mazer's Selling Day Old Chick-Fil-A On Sundays

cheers for chicken

Chicken values

Avondale() The hot downtown Avondale area just keeps getting hotter as local handyman stalwart Mazer Building Supply & Outlet Center began offering day old Chick-Fil-A chicken sandwiches this past Sunday. This moves an already enticing shopping experience into the realm of glory for those with mysterious Sunday chicken cravings. Take an already jumping weekend parking lot, complete with outdoor tent and barbecue, add delicious Chick-Fil-A, and even those with jaded chopped-pork palates will come running.

While shopping for distressed merchandise and factory leftovers in the outlet center, shoppers won't be able to resist a slightly old, perfectly fried, 100% white meat chicken sandwich. And contractors will be able to feed their crews from the same trough from which they draw their value-priced building supplies. "I'm giddy with excitement," said Crestwood area developer Chad Bohm. "Having something this good, so close by, and open on Sundays will keep my workers on the job longer." Speaking through an interpreter, local glass-pane-scraper Jorge Mandelo said "the juice [pointing at the pickle] makes the bread a little soggy, but I like it. It reminds me of a good fish taco."

During a foray over the mountain to visit the trendy Parkside home store, Mountain Brook matron Liz Pharis was taken in by the excitement over at Mazer's. "I couldn't believe all the good white folks I saw in Avondale! I usually see lots of questionable activity going on at Munchies, but never anything good like this." She was later seen enjoying a lemonade before climbing into her Escalade for the trip home. No doubt about it, Mazer's has a runaway hit on its hands this time.