|For June 12, 2002 "What's so odd about that?" - Vol. III No. I published every other Wednesday|
Cox, Barkley Hope More Birminghamsters Earn Fame, Deflect Attention
A spokesperson for the annual "Best of Birmingham" awards (which have honored Barkley in 1989, 1992, 1993, 1996, 1999, and 2000 and Cox-Arquette in 1994, 1995, 1997, 1998, and 2001) expressed his sympathy for the over-hyped pair. "It must be quite a burden to carry the hopes and dreams of all Birminghamians on their shoulders but until Nell Carter mounts a comeback, this is all weve got." "I dont see where its such a burden," countered 10-time 'Best of Birmingham' nominee and Tuskegee native Lionel Richie. "Ive been representing the fine citizens of Alabama for decades, and Ive never felt the least bit ashamed or inconvenienced."
Well enough for Richie, but this elite group may soon indeed have company. Apparently soccer star Mia Hamm of Selma is currently dating Boston Red Sox shortstop Nomar Garciaparra, who apparently played college ball in Atlanta, of which Birmingham is an official franchise. These two are clearly qualified to join the ranks of the Alabama glitterati.
Tide Reportedly Not to Pay Any Recruits in 2002
"We really felt like we would still be able to pay the players small amounts of money under the table," said athletic director Mal Moore, "but the money we had earmarked for the players will have to go to other areas now because we're going to lose so much revenue." Alabama football historian Jefferson Berle believes this is the first time Alabama has not paid recruits since the late 1960's when the NCAA simply stopped monitoring such activity. "Used to they all got paid. As long as they didn't get paid too much and it wasn't too obvious, nobody cared," said Berle. "Now with the sanctions, along with the spending freeze they'll be hard pressed to get anyone to come in here and play for them in the future."
University officials claim the setback will only be temporary and once the program is out of the watchful gaze of the NCAA, payments will begin again. It is still not clear how money that was earmarked for the players is being spent, although the university does have tremendous legal expenses related to the NCAA case. A University spokesperson, who asked not to be identified, did offer assurances that the money will not be used for education, but will instead be funneled into other areas of the athletic department.
Tornadic Activity Spurs Reascendancy Of White Males
A member of the marketing team who supervised the shift but asked not to be identified noted, "Hard core investigative reporting on tattoo parlors and tax fraud is one thing, but for simultaneously frightening and reassuring viewers about commonplace meteorological events, you need a different emphasis in your branding." The correct emphasis was soon made clear in the focus group meetings. "You like to see something comforting and familiar in times of stress," said one study participant. "And this team is definitely the oatmeal of news." Expect to see more out of town white guys on your favorite local station soon.