The Birminghamster
For July 2, 2003 "We hold these truths to be self-evident." - Vol. IV No. III published every other Wednesday

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  Vulcan's Orientation Corrected

grey iron

The ass is back
Red Mountain(KW) After a four-year absence, the famous statue that symbolizes Birmingham has finally returned to Red Mountain. His new look is a gleaming cast-iron gray, with his hand less limply holding his hammer due to his new stainless steel skeleton. In addition to these much needed repairs and cleaning, Vulcan has changed in other ways as well. As a result of intensive therapy, the iron man's orientation has been shifted slightly. Homewood residents seem pleased that the statue's hips have moved in somewhat, making the backside less noticeable. Others are just happy that Vulcan's new stance is not as obvious. "It was absolutely disgusting," said Eagle Forum spokeswoman Bettye Fine Collins. "Our forefathers must have been rolling in their graves at the thought of that thing. Thank God it's all been corrected now." Several of Vulcan's detractors point to signs that the therapy was less than a total success. One therapist at Robinson Iron admits that Vulcan was a reluctant patient. "It took a lot of coaxing to get him to hold up that spear, let me tell you. He kept saying, 'Spears are so dangerous, can't I just hold up a rainbow or something'?" Upon his return to the Magic City, Vulcan made headlines after trading in his trademark apron for a pair of assless chaps. "The chaps are purely a comfort thing, really," claims Vulcan. The god of the forge has also attempted to dispel rumors involving a relationship with Shoney's Big Boy by stating publicly that the two were "just friends". Vulcan's estranged girlfriend Electra still has her doubts though. "I always thought he looked a little off, and you know...even with the changes I still question his orientation."

Liberty Park Plans to Become Nation's First 'Moated Community'

siege plan

Hottentot Defense Plan
Liberty Park(JM) Torchmark executives held a press conference today at the Urban Center at Liberty Park to announce plans to transform the exclusive area of Vestavia Hills at I-459 into America's first 'Moated Community'. By redirecting the flow of the Cahaba River at key points, Liberty Park engineers will be able to completely encircle the development. Two major lock systems will be constructed between Lake Purdy and the river. Normally this type of undertaking would be cost prohibitive, but Liberty Park will be able to leverage a great deal of monumental site work done in preparation for the county's now-abandoned 'Super Sewer', as well as take advantage of naturally flood-prone areas which coincide with the development's primary entranceways. "Really, there's not much for us to do," conceded project manager Ross Dunbar, "We're just going to tie in some existing flood channels using the super-sewer infrastructure, put up some drawbridges and guard towers at key points, and then tap the Cahaba, which will provide all the protection Liberty Park needs." While other communities across the nation have gone to extensive lengths to keep undesirable elements out of their backyards, Liberty Park will be the first in the United States to implement moat technology around a mixed-use subdivision. "It's nothing new, really. Moated communities have been used successfully in Europe since the early middle ages," said Barry Strickland of the Birmingham chapter of the Society for Creative Anachronism. "Typically, the gates would be guarded at all times, and the bridges raised at nightfall or in the face of impending attack." Planners say that residents and registered workers in Liberty Park will be issued a radio-transmitter that can be installed on the front bumper of their car to automatically signal a guard at each tower to lower the drawbridge after verifying the identity and friend/foe status of each comer. Lowering the bridge is expected to take only 1 ½ to 2 minutes per vehicle. Pedestrians will not be admitted.

'Capitol Steps' Promo Causes Acapellitis

abrasively funny

Visually annoying
UAB() Public radio station WBHM 90.3 is showing their independence once again this year by purchasing the patriotic program 'Fourth of July with The Capitol Steps'. This zany acapella group from Washington D.C. combines music and humor in a unique blend that Birmingham audiences don't get enough of. However, a few of WBHM's most faithful listeners have been complaining of a kind of nausea coupled with slight rage that accompanies the playing of the 'Capitol Steps' promo. Doctors at Hoover's Family Medicine clinic have identified this condition as 'acapellitis', a rare disorder affecting mainly southerners. Dr. Lane Cowan explains that the group's mostly juvenile-liberal humor seems out of place. "When these inside the beltway personalities try to export their humor, it doesn't always go over well on the outside. Some of them try to sing the jokes in a sarcastic nasal tone, but that only makes it worse." The last time an acapellitis outbreak of this magnitude occurred in Birmingham was when the nationally known quintet 'Rockapella' played WorkPlay. Even with all of the illness spreading over the Magic City, WBHM stands by their decision to run the 'Capitol Steps' show. "We do extensive market research and this is what our listeners want to hear," said general manager Mike Morgan. "Other public radio stations will be playing the same old patriotic music as always, all that Sousa and crap. But we know our listeners want 'The Capitol Steps', just like they want as much classical music as possible without all of those silly talkies like 'Fresh Air'.

Whisky Tango Missing One Pretty Person

pretty map

Pretty Population Density
Homewood() Repeated advertisements on local radio notwithstanding, one of Birmingham's prettiest people was definitely absent from Homewood's Whiskey Tango this past Thursday night. Jill Claybrook had gone there because she assumed that Matt would be there. When she arrived, Matt was nowhere to be seen so she began waiting at the bar with some of her friends. They immediately began talking about how fine Matt was, and what a shame it was that he was not there. "We sort of talked a lot about his butt," said Claybrook. "And for once it was actually topical considering the Vulcan controversy." Claybrook studied the Whiskey Tango crowd and determined that most of them were definitely pretty, but none quite like Matt. "Last time I saw Matt he was wearing these awesome black pants with a ribbed black shirt. Well...the shirt was sort of a different color. I guess you could say he was wearing two shades of black." After a few hours, Claybrook began to believe that Matt was elsewhere. She called some friends on her cell-phone that she was supposed to be meeting later at The Studio. One of them told her that she had seen Matt at The Blue Monkey on Cobb Lane. "I couldn't believe it," said Claybrook. "After all of those ads on the radio, I just knew he would be here." On her way out, headed for The Blue Monkey, Claybrook stumbled across a stack of old comic books near the bathroom. "I couldn't figure out what they would be doing here. I don't know any pretty people who read them." Unconfirmed reports say that Matt left The Blue Monkey just as Claybrook was arriving.