The Birminghamster
For July 4, 2001 "Damn Photomat assholes!" - Vol. II No. V published every other Wednesday



Tory HQ

Tory Headquarters
Loyalist Enclave Discovered In North Birmingham
North Birmingham() The long suspected headquarters of Tory insurrection in Birmingham has been raided by the local Whig militia. The North Birmingham warehouse was stormed at 4 AM this morning in a surprise action that caught the Tories unaware. Whig forces arrested a dozen men and confiscated reams of subversive literature and printing equipment. The raid could not have come at a better time, with Tory forces at peak activity on rumors of the impending return of their exiled leader. Thirteen ready to publish papers with titles such as "On The Domed Stadium," "On The Uncle Tom," and "On the Present State of the Water Works and Whose Money Is It Anyway," will be destroyed at a public bonfire and weenie roast outside the old printing office on Morris Avenue. Whig leader Bernard Kincaid hopes that this latest action has finally and completely destroyed the spirit of the loyalist Tories. "I can't understand why people are still loyal to them. Look at the state of their headquarters for instance. A people could not be more loyal and yet more exploited than the poor citizens of North Birmingham. Maybe they should shift their loyalties elsewhere." That hope is unlikely to materialize if Tory leader William Bell has anything to say in the matter. At a rally near Legion Field, Bell returned to the promise of a Domed Stadium and the prosperity which it will bring. "I will get rich off of this Domed Stadium. And so will my lawyers and advisors. If you are one of them, or are closely associated with one them, you too can reap the benefits." Bell agreed that although not everyone could be his friend, there are still plenty of vacancies.


Classic Rocker
Rock 99 Prepares to Add 11th Song to Play List
Homewood() Local radio station WZRR FM Classic Rock 99 is preparing to make history this 4th of July. The radio station plans to become the first classic rock station in the nation to have a regular play list greater than 10 songs when it adds Joe Cocker's version of "With a Little Help From My Friends" to the rotation. The Joe Cocker classic already gets a fair share of playtime on the network as the most requested song each weekend, according to Program / Music Director Kerry Lambert. "With many local bars and pool halls updating their jukeboxes to reflect the nationwide popularity of boy bands, Joe Cocker's classic crooning is becoming harder to find. We feel like this is the least we can do for our listeners," said Lambert. According to nighttime DJ Blazeman (not his real name), the song is currently played 5 times daily, but only by request, as opposed to the standard 8 times each day for songs on the play list. Blazeman believes that the addition of the Cocker classic will only enhance listeners' enjoyment of other play list songs. "Can you imagine going from 'Peaceful Easy Feeling' to 'Free Bird' as a lead in to 'With a Little Help from My Friends' and then following it all up with 'Back in Black'?" Blazeman also said that the classic song will blend well with the "Southern Rock" portion of the play list which includes: "The Devil Went Down to Georgia," "La Grange," and play list powerhouses "Mississippi Queen" and "Sweet Home Alabama". The network does plan to separate the Cocker song from Heart's classic "Barracuda" and Lynyrd Skynyrd's "Gimme Three Steps" as they believe the vibes created by those combinations might bring people down. Lambert stresses that Rock 99's groundbreaking expansion is not without its inherent risks. "A play list of 11 will decrease the overall Lynyrd Skynyrd percentage to less than 33%." Lambert said the station is discussing a number of different creative options which may correct this problem. One solution may include adding a fourth Lynyrd Skynyrd song to the play list, bringing the total play list to 12 songs. "It's an option we have to consider, but we don't want to be too rash," said Lambert. "A play list that size means that we can only play each song 7 times a day, instead of 8. We are committed to reserving at least 33% of our play list to Lynyrd Skynyrd. We're just not sure yet what the best way to do that is." Reportedly the station has narrowed its Skynyrd search to the classics "Tuesdays Gone" and "Simple Man," although DJ Tony Kurre prefers "Call Me The Breeze."


Short skirt
Local Man Enjoys Women's Tennis and Beer
Pelham() A wasted Friday night with nothing to do turned into a drunken, emotional, and strangely erotic experience for Pelham resident William T. (Billy) Cuddy this past weekend when his friends abandoned him. Cuddy met some of his buddies at Senor Frog on Lorna Road in Hoover for what he thought was to be a night of high energy dancing. But the group had plans to spend most of the evening inhaling second hand smoke and playing pool at The Break. Banned by law to get within 100 feet of The Break, due to an unfortunate misunderstanding, Cuddy found that he had no choice but to go home and drink alone. "I tried to watch Norm but I just couldn't get into it. I thought I was gonna have to drink myself silly just listening to the radio. But then I saw them cute little girls on TNT. I pulled a cooler into the livin' room so I didn't have to go nowhere to get my beer." Apparently Cuddy had stumbled across the middle weekend of the Wimbledon Tennis Championships. Luckily for Cuddy, TNT was playing a tape delay of the Anke Huber - Elena Dementieva match. Cuddy remained mesmerized by the female athletes until finally succumbing to the large quantities of beer he had consumed. Huber went on to win the match, but all Cuddy remembers is the short skirts and grunting.