|For July 24, 2002 "That's a damn good sandwich." - Vol. III No. II published every other Wednesday|
UAB Researchers Develop 100% Outside Meat Pig
The breakthrough came when the researchers combined cerebral DNA with the DNA normally associated with epethelial cell production. "The brain DNA includes instructions that cause tissue to seek maximum surface area relative to volume, creating complex folds," explains Chief Porcine Geneticist Skip Van Sutton. "These folds, when transferred to the flesh of a prize porker, mean more outside meat than was previously attainable by breeding." In fact it appears that the team exceeded even their wildest charred meat dreams. Patrons at Pat James' Full Moon Barbecue should be expecting their first taste of 100% outside meat by the end of 2003.
21st Street Viaduct Tapped for Preservation Award
She is not alone in marvelling at the effective application of duct tape to wrap the deteriorating supports, preventing chunks of concrete from falling on any of the thousands of pedestrians that traverse Morris Avenue on a daily basis. City residents and visitors alike are always commenting on this unusual preservation technique which is both cheap and effective. Streets and Sanitation Department Interim Director Stephen Fancher praised crew foreman Willie Peeters for the idea of using duct tape. We were standing out there one day -- leaning on shovels as is our habit - when Willie said to me, "Y'know what might just hold that? A roll of duct tape." And I thought, "Well, sure! duct tape has embedded cotton reinforcing in both directions, strong adhesive, and a tough reflective surface on the back. It's perfect!" So I directed the crew to go ahead and requisition a few dozen rolls from our maintenance shop and to wrap any deteriorating baluster with no less than 8 or 10 layers. We expect that with typical weather, these repairs could last 6 months or more before they need to be reapplied.
Carl Eisenhoff, a spokesman for the National Duct Tape Council, interviewed by telephone, was surprised and pleased to hear about the Preservation Award. "It's not everyday you hear people saying nice things about duct tape as a structural repair material on historic construction. We're glad to know that Birmingham values economy and simplicity in preserving and repairing all kinds of ducts, from air conditioning ducts to viaducts."
Vagina Monologues Come For Second Time
This time many of the city's conservative leaders are screaming even more than before. "That huge billboard was a disgrace," said twelve time county commissioner Mary Buckelew. "It appeared as a huge gaping maw ready to swallow up our innocence." Others were simply concerned that Birmingham once again appeared to get the short shrift when it comes to touring companies. "Everything seemed so tired and worn out," said entertainer Ceil Snow. "The whole thing felt so used, as if it had been done a thousand times. And we didn't even get Margot Kidder. I bet that is a vagina with a story to tell." Still, others were pleased that Birmingham is being serviced by a broader range of touring companies than staid Broadway Series fair.