The Birminghamster
For August 2, 2000 "Hawk, you come highly recommended." - Vol. I No. VII published every two weeks




Real World Julie

Julie from Real World Now Selling Bagels
Cahaba Heights() Birminghamster Douglas Noshee discovered to his delight last Monday a new employee at his favorite bagel establishment in Cahaba Heights. He found Julie Oliver from Real World I serving up the chewy round bread at The Bagel Factory. The bagels come in many varieties including Noshee's favorite: the garlic bagel with vegetable cream cheese. "I always get that, but I've never gotten it from Julie before." Apparently Noshee does have a history with the MTV star, stemming from his high school days. "Julie used to come into the old Rocky Ridge Winn Dixie where I worked. Usually everyone would just stare at her, and then one day I said 'Hey Julie what's up?' She was kind of annoyed but took it rather well." Now Noshee will be getting his bagel from Julie at least once a week. That is if she keeps her job. According to Noshee her performance was not all that great. "My bagel was not sliced in equal halves, and there was not enough cream cheese. Besides she was kind of rude." When asked what prompted the rudeness, Noshee admitted that he could have made her mad. "I asked if I could call her Gilligan. I guess she had heard that one before." Apparently Julie has worked hard to leave her Real World past behind while concentrating on her career as a 19 year old dancer. Noshee's insensitive comment did not make her day. "Yeah, I guess the last thing she wanted was someone to mention Real World. I'm just glad I didn't ask her how Eric was doing."

   UA AD

Mal Moore

UA Athletic Department Snubbed By Slogan
Tuscaloosa() The University of Alabama Athletic Department was stunned this week to learn that the school's official slogan makes no reference to football. The slogan (Teaching Research Service) also does not mention the school's fine athletic tradition, its numerous bowl victories, or its legacy as an SEC powerhouse. This discovery was made early Tuesday afternoon by Athletic Director Mal Moore during his drive to work. "The underground entrance to the Athletic Department was closed for repaving so I had to use the regular university gate. It was then that I saw the slogan on the wall." According to Moore he had never before seen the slogan. In fact the slogan is not found on any Athletic Department buildings and is not featured prominently in football literature or recruiting material. Moore does not believe that any slogan should be used that does not include the word "football." "I mean why service and not football? What does that mean...service?" When service was described to Moore as the idea that a university instills knowledge and values in its students which they can use to help their communities, he interrupted with "Football helps this community. It brings in millions of fans and millions of dollars a year." Moore was then asked if he would seek to have the slogan changed in any way. "Oh yeah. We are going to change it. We had already decided on 'Swifter Higher Stronger' when we learned that it was an Olympic trademark. We certainly don't want to be confused with an amateur organization." Other slogans being considered include "Longer Leaner Meaner", "Bowl Bowl Bowl", and "Football."


Spitster Logo

Injunction Shuts Down Birmingham Site
Birmingham() The online site Spitster was forced offline by a court order Tuesday. The temporary injunction was handed down by the 13th District Court on the heels of a lawsuit filed by a group of drive-in movie theater owners. The theater owners (including Brad Stapleton of the Mulga Drive-in) are upset with Spitser for allowing teenagers and nostalgic adults to circumvent traditional spit swapping methods. "It used to be that they would come to the drive-in and neck or whatever for a couple hours and then go home. Now with this web site anyone can instantly swap spit with anyone else." According to experts this method of spit swapping is similar to the Napster method of music sharing in that users must register with a central Spitster database before they can begin swapping. Spitster Chief Technology Strategist Mark Anderson responded to the injunction with sharp criticism. "We are only providing a conduit for the spit swapping that has been going on for generations. We don't own the spit or the method for delivering it any more than these movie theaters." But Stapleton disagrees, "This is about another piece of Americana that is being lost to technology. I think we can in fact claim ownership of the traditional spit swapping method and we will take that claim to the highest court if necessary." That may not be necessary as a new technology for the spit swapping is soon to be implemented by Spitster. The new method will consist of a store and forward system in which more than one user's computer may come in contact with the spit on the way to its final destination. Anderson describes this as a less than optimal system as far as spit quality, but much faster and more reliable. "Our users will no longer be getting retail quality spit, but they will be getting it in a much faster stream. Surely the theater owners can see that we are not going to be delivering the same spit experience as the drive-in." This remains to be seen as the lawsuit is not scheduled to be heard until early next year.

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