The Birminghamster
For August 27, 2003 "What it was was football." - Vol. IV No. V published every other Wednesday

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  Judge Roy Moore Suspended Over Commandments Monument

future governor

Moore Being Suspended
Montgomery(JM) Faced with the impending removal of a granite tribute to His commandments, God took the unexpected step of suspending his champion, Roy Moore, over the 2.6 ton memorial. Held aloft by cherubim and glowing with a heavenly light, Moore, 56, made a brief statement before turning his eyes upward in prayer, "Fear Not!" he thundered from several feet in the air of the State Supreme Court Building's rotunda, "For verily I will defend the law of God, the basis of the rule of law in all Judeo-Christian nations! Those who come to remove this rock will surely be struck down!". Faced with this unequivocal manifestation of the divine, the Judicial Inquiry Commission had no choice but to prostrate themselves in front of the magnificence of the sacred law. Skeptical onlookers from the "Americans United for Separation of Church and State" acknowledged the miracle of God's presence, but maintained that state government must remain neutral on matters of religion. "God is truly awesome," said attorney Gee Parker, who had assisted in the legal effort to remove the monument, "but clearly His divine will can not be held to extend to matters of secular government. The law of Moses is only one among many models for the Alabama jurisprudence and to place it alone in the rotunda diminishes the contributions of Hammurabi, Jefferson, and Jim Crow. I understand that God wants to elevate Judge Moore for his passion and faith, but He really needs to think about taking this sort of display outside instead of in the rotunda of the Supreme Court building"

Alabama Voters Set to Decide on Third World Status

Riley Holding Our Future
Montgomery(JM) Governor Bob Riley is asking Alabamians to "Lay the Foundations for Greatness" when they go to the polls to decide the future of the state in a referendum set for September 9. After winning the governor's office in a campaign that promised to bring accountability to state government, Riley set to work on a courageous package of reforms. The proposal, if passed, will go a long way toward reversing decades of regressive and unjust taxation policies and insuring that the state has the resources to meet its obligations. If the measure fails, however, officials are prepared for "Plan B", which includes joining the community of developing nations, the so-called "Third World." While the possibility is controversial, many observers feel that adding Alabama to the "League of Impoverished Nations" is a no-brainer. "They've been struggling to keep afloat in the upper division for too long," said Gert Rosenthal, former University of South Alabama Athletic Director and President of the United Nations' Economic and Social Council, "Alabama just doesn't have the culture of developmental excellence that top-tier governments like Holland and Oregon strive for. By dropping to third world status, Alabama has a chance to excel in league with natural rivals like Guyana and Eritrea. Along with reduced scholarship and budgetary requirements in Division III, Alabama would also become eligible for revenue sharing and developmental aid through the International Monetary Fund." International Relief Aid, however, may not be the solution to all of Alabama's problems. "Just look at Argentina," countered University of Alabama-Birmingham economist Bert Ballard, "before going into bankruptcy it looked like they had all the advantages: rich and diverse natural resources, enormous private investment in infrastructure, and depth at nearly every position in government, but a couple of costly turnovers and a month-long investment slump and all of a sudden they're looking at hundreds of billions of dollars in debt, rampant unemployment and anarchy in the streets. Alabama, which lacks Argentina's educated work force, can't afford to lose this one." Sally Struthers, moved to tears by the thought of the children of Alabama going without proper education and public health programs, urged citizens of the developed world to contribute toward the estimated $600 million in additional funds needed to keep Alabama from further deterioration. "For just $1 a day, the price of a cup of coffee, you can help prevent a crisis of neglect in Alabama. Please, give these kids a chance!"

Operation Orange Fence Addresses Derelict Property Problem

former ugly building

Former Baptist Building
Irondale() In a bold move aimed at addressing the hazards, unsightliness, and threat to real estate values inherent in derelict properties, the City of Birmingham has unveiled the program 'Operation Orange Fence'. Widely applicable to a variety of inadequate property upkeep situations, this innovative solution avoids the skyrocketing costs associated with assessment of the building's condition for repair or redevelopment purposes. "Furthermore," acknowledged one city aide, "this plan neatly sidesteps the corruption rampant in the demolition industry." This master-stroke follows closely on the heels of another city beautification initiative, 'Operation Glossy Booklet'. While representing a potentially greater investment by taxpayers than 'Operation Orange Fence', its results have been equally noticeable. Clearly making time to address the question of his legacy as election day approaches, Mayor Bernard 'Big Grin' Kincaid apparently aims to go down as the man who highlighted the problems that make Birmingham less than beautiful. While the plan highlights this administration's commitment to saving taxpayer money, Earl Wade, a local contractor, expressed concern over possible financial improprieties underlying the program. "I'd like to have the orange fence concession on that deal," he said. Arnold Tombigbee, CEO of Saf-T-Fence, who holds the concession, refused to disclose the exact terms of his contract with the city, but did note, "Inventors of brilliant solutions to persistent civic problems deserve to profit from their ingenuity -- that's the American way."