The Birminghamster
For August 30, 2000 "You can't eat twelve hot dogs!" - Vol. I No. IX published every two weeks



Creed - one's not an angel

WRAX Hasn't Played That Creed Song In Like Ten Minutes
Homewood() Local teenager and Alternative music scenester Josh Parker has been waiting like ten minutes for the X to play that Creed song. According to Parker, "they always play that Creed song around 3PM and if not they play that other one." In fact research shows that it has never been more than ten minutes between Creed songs on WRAX 107.7 FM. "I can't believe I've been waiting like ten minutes for that song. I have to be at work in like five minutes," said Parker. Parker works at the local Taco Bell where he gives his friends 'discounts' when they come through the drive-thru. If the X doesn't get around to playing that Creed song like soon, it looks like Parker will be late for his job again.

Parker missed the first half of his shift last Monday while waiting for the X to play that Jars of Clay Song that he specifically requested. This was apparently during an all request hour in which Jars of Clay was not already scheduled to play. He waited like three hours before they finally played it in the normal rotation. Later when discussing it with co-workers he was like "I can't believe they took three hours to play my freaking request." This kind of infrequent Creed playing is unusual given the fact that the X is facing stiff competition from upstart Reality radio 101.1 FM.

Former Mayor   

Former Mayor Arrington

Richard Arrington to Open Title Pawn Shop in North Birmingham
North Birmingham() Construction work began today in North Birmingham as part of Former Mayor Richard Arrington's plan to revitalize the North Birmingham community. Civic leaders plan to purchase and remodel several abandoned buildings in the North Birmingham commercial district. The revitalization effort is being funded by Richard Arrington Enterprises in conjunction with a generous grant from the Creflo Dollar foundation. Speaking to reporters this morning outside the North Birmingham Piggly Wiggly, Arrington read the following statement: "Due to white flight, many businesses have left North Birmingham, forcing residents here to travel elsewhere in order to purchase desperately needed goods and services. We want to remedy that situation by providing this community with the same quality service which I provided as mayor to the to City of Birmingham. People treat the poor as if they are incapable of making intelligent decisions. I think that's an outrage. I for one am willing to stake a claim in this community."

The linchpin of Arrington's urban renewal project is scheduled to open in November. King Richard's Quik Gun, Gold, and Title Pawn with Payday Loan Center will be almost as large as a Wal-Mart Supercenter. When asked whether he had any future plans for expansion Arrington replied, "Oh yes, we envision a King Richard's Rental Furniture, King Richard's Check Cashing and perhaps even King Richard's Plasma Center." When asked about gambling the mayor angrily replied, "Absolutely not. that would take advantage of the weak and under-educated. Let me stress this, we're about caring. Our goal is to have these businesses become the new focus of community life here. In the past a woman wouldn't think twice about taking her children to a church, a library, or even the park. We want young mothers to feel just as comfortable bringing their children to any of these fine new establishments. For too long there has been a horrible lack of strong male role models in the black community, that's why every one of our locations will be staffed by an off-season Steel Dog equipped with a .45."

When asked about a possible increase in domestic violence and alcoholism, Dr. Arrington had this to say, "Those are tragic but inevitable consequences of the services that we provide. That's why I will be forming my own private North Birmingham police force, to protect the security of the residents of this community and to ensure that their loans are repaid on time. But don't worry," said the former mayor with a smile, "I will be well protected."



Driver Encounters Three Other SUV's at Four Way Stop
Mountain Brook() Crestline resident David Fine found himself in a rare situation Monday as he was leaving his home on Euclid Avenue. "As I drove my M-Class up to the intersection at Dunston Ave. I didn't notice anything strange at first. When I reached the stop sign and began to stare down each driver in turn is when I noticed the phenomenon." That previously undocumented phenomenon is the simultaneous convergence of four sport utility vehicles at the same four way stop. The interns at the 'Hamster checked with both local and state authorities and were unable to turn up documentation of any other occurrences of this kind. A routine check of FBI computers did turn up a case involving two VW Buses and a VW Thing, but no other four SUV encounters. When asked for an explanation as to why this may have happened in Mountain Brook, police chief Mike Coppage could only speculate. "It could be the high number of stop signs we have in this city. Or it could be that the car to SUV ratio has declined in recent years. It is more likely a combination of factors that we are not yet totally familiar with."

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