The Birminghamster
For September 27, 2000 "What do I have to do to get some service around here?" - Vol. I No. X published every two weeks



Southern Woman
True Southern Woman

Southern Women's Show Now Featuring Men
BJCC() The Southern Women's Show is seeking to spice up its usual staid offerings of business advice, career development, and personal fitness with a new seminar on how to get men. To top it off at the end of the program, women will have earned the chance to get an actual man. And not just any man, but an eligible Alaska male. This program has generated new excitement amongst regular Southern Women's Show attendees who are somewhat jaded by the entrepreneurial leadership and money management training that has become typical fare at these shows. One local woman who describes herself as a passionate SWS fan could hardly contain her excitement over the new man feature. "I can hardly believe it. I have to pinch myself every few minutes to make sure I'm not dreaming about the possibility that I could be with an actual Alaska male. This is something that southern women can really use." Another woman who pinches herself, but for a different reason, is Heather Odum the show's coordinator. "Why we didn't think of this sooner is beyond me. It is so obvious. What do women need!" In order to support the man feature, Odum's group has also added more make-up and hair clinics to help make women more attractive for the Alaska male. "We decided we could drop tax preparation and retirement planning so women would have more time to get a new hairstyle," says Odum. While they are getting that new hairstyle, women will also have the chance to receive make-up advice from Merle Norman and even receive free samples. "This show is all about and for the true southern woman. Our motto is 'all of what we want' and we think we have captured that spirit in this year's show," says Odum. The Southern Women's Show is a production of Southern Shows Inc. which has had its finger on the pulse of southern lifestyle for over fifteen years.

Satan - ruler of Hell
Satan Bails on Contract With Dubose
Underworld() The 'Hamster has learned through contacts deep within the bowels of hell that Satan is set to renege on his contract with University of Alabama head football coach Mike Dubose. Representatives of Satan reported today that the Dark Lord will officially nullify Dubose's contract as of midnight Friday, September 29. This is the contract which allows Dubose to get away with womanizing while still keeping his faithful and devoted wife. Also included in the agreement is a winning season every year of Dubose's coaching career in exchange for his eternal soul. Apparently Satan has been having trouble living up to his end of the bargain and has decided to cancel the contract in order to avoid further embarrassment. When reached for comment a tearful Satan said, "Nothing like this has ever happened to me. I have tried to make the Tide win. Honest I have. The team simply appears to be soulless." Other members of the fallen choir agree with Satan's assessment. "We have tried everything," said one fallen angel. "We have been unable to whip the Tide into a demonic frenzy. It is almost as if they are not human." Another reported that opposing teams appear to be immune to temptation "as if they are protected by the Light." One prostrate demon could only moan and whimper that "we have failed our Dark Master." Alabama football officials were not immediately available for comment and it remains unclear how this startling revelation will affect the rest of the season.

Magic Projector
Magic Projector
Sidewalk Festival to Show Moving Pictures
Downtown() In a tantalizing test of things to come, organizers of the Sidewalk Moving Picture Festival showed moving pictures to members of the media on Friday. The Birminghamster was fortunate to be among the invitees to this amazing technological display. According to event organizers there was no magic involved and yet an aura of dream and illusion was cast over the crowd. Somehow a machine known as a "projector" was able to create moving images of colored light which closely resemble reality. According to a technician from the Lumiere company, the "projector" does not actually show moving pictures but a series of still pictures much like a single daguerreotype. "They appear to move due to a phenomenon known as persistence of vision," said the technician George Melies. "Our brain does not recognize the blank space as the shutter closes between images. Instead it stitches together each displayed image into a continuous moving picture." When asked why this technology has taken so long to come to Birmingham when other cities already have 70mm projectors and THX digital sound, Sidewalk Festival organizers could only speculate. "I think Birminghamsters like to wait for a technology to mature before jumping on the bandwagon. Moving pictures have finally come into their own and I think the people know that," said festival founder Erik Jambor. The festival runs October 6-8 in the Birmingham theatre district. Plans are to show more than 90 of these "verities" at six separate venues.

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