The Birminghamster
For October 11, 2000 "Deseas una cita conmigo?" - Vol. I No. XI published every two weeks



Birmingham Stadium

London Press Deems Birmingham 'Football Capital of the West Midlands'
Limehouse() With expansion underway at two of the city's football grounds, and with both Aston Villa F.A. and Birmingham City Club finishing in the top six of their respective divisions the London Press has deemed Birmingham the "Football Capital of the West Midlands." When play opens in October, Birmingham's football fans will have 16,000 additional seats in their two home parks. Century old Villa Park is completing the rebuilding of the historic Trinity Street stands (pictured) while the stadium at St. Andrews has surrounded half the pitch with new two-tier stands giving the city a total of 83,400 seats, not including press tiers and ramps.

Stadium capacity alone is not the true measure of a football city, though. The local clubs both experienced great on-the-field successes in the last campaign. As the Sun reports "Aston Villa overreached their middling performances of the 1990's with a gutsy millenium-ending season during which they codwhallopped Manchester 3-1 and gave the stick to a hardened Leicester club 2-0 in the league quarter-final before succombing to Suffolk on the way to their historic trip to Wembley." It was the unpredicted success of the indomitable Villans, combined with the Blues plucky showing in the first Division, that led London Times sport reporter Ellsworth Twiddle to gush "Not even the steady drizzle could have spoilt the celebration after the F.A. quarterfinal here in Birmingham's fine old Aston Villa football grounds, respectable fans and hooligans alike showed untempered enthusiasm for the upstart rebirth of prominance in sport long overdue this midlands metropolis."

The Villans are set to open the Premiership season with heralded striker Julian Joachim starting against his former club in Leicester certain to earn jeers from the Filbert Street faithful. Birmingham City opens at home welcoming hapless Sheff Utd. to their updated digs. Fans of both teams will be seen filling the streets of the midlands new "Football Capital" enjoying pints at the city's 370 pubs and taunting visiting fans with a raucous round of "Shit on the city! Cheer up Trevor Francis!" as they puff their chests with newfound pride and optimism. Local curry vendor Muzaffar Shiekh proudly wore his "Auto Windscreen" emblazoned BCFC colours as he manned his stand on Tilton Road singing an oddly lilting Pakistani-tinged rendition of "Keep Right On To The End Of The Road" as boozy fans trumpeted approval while munching Balti Pies and sloshing pints from kerb to kerb. (As of press time, Birmingham mayor Bernard Kincaid had not been reached for comment on this story.)

Bible belt buckle
Judge Roy Moore Attains Bible Belt
Lincoln() During a campaign swing through Talladega county this week, Judge Roy Moore received his Bible belt from officials at the new Honda motor plant being built near Lincoln. The Honda officials were also representatives of the International Karate Federation from which Moore had already received his black belt. The black belt, normally the highest belt bestowed upon non-Japanese, is only attained after years of relentless physical training that includes the perfection of countless body maneuvers requiring extreme flexibility. A severe mental regimen is also imposed which requires daily meditation and the avoidance of all visceral pleasures.
The Bible belt (a literal translation) represents a stellar achievement for Moore and is one attained by only one other American: Jesse Jackson. Only those exhibiting extraordinary ability to deflect their attackers and cause confusion without having to land any direct blows are considered worthy of the Bible belt. Judge Moore praised God for the accomplishment and credited strict adherence to God's ten commandments with providing the noble path to success. Judge Moore also predicted victory in the race to become Alabama's next Chief Justice. "Nothing can stop God, the ten commandments, and me!" Judge Moore is expected to wear his Bible belt continuously until election day in November.

Modified orgone accumulator
Alabama Power to Tap Nervous Energy
Downtown() In a move that sent shockwaves through the energy community Alabama Power today announced plans to bring a new jillion megawatt generating facility online by 2002. The locomotion for this super plant will be provided by the stray nervous energy of all Birmingham residents. "We have always known about the nervous energy of Birminghamsters, but until recently had been unable to tap into it," said Alabama Power Chief Alternative Energist Wilhelm Reich. "However with the modified orgone accumulator we can now collect all that nervous energy and generate power with it." According to Reich Birmingham was the perfect location for the first nervous energy plant. "You are all so full of anxiety that our orgonometer went off the scale during preliminary testing." Topping the list of worry energy sources is concern over the success of professional football in the city. With both the Steeldogs and an XFL team, the potential energy for failure is quite high. Nervousness over Crimson Tide football is cyclical in nature but always accounts for a large percentage of our nervous energy. Energy output from this source seems to have reached a peak during recent tests. Fears raised about our water supply during the current drought situation have also stimulated an increase in nervous output. "This is a good thing," says Reich. "Normally extreme temperatures and drought situations put the greatest burden on our generating capability...trying to keep up with demand for air conditioning. But in a nice twist, people are most nervous during this time. So the worse the situation gets, the more power we will have." Preliminary estimates indicate enough power in nervous energy to replace all of Alabama Power's existing nuclear generation capacity. Shutting these plants down will eliminate many horrible pollutants that damage our environment.

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