The Birminghamster
For November 20, 2002 "Is that a cornucopia, or are you just glad to see me?" - Vol. III No. V published every other Wednesday



  It Can't Be Iron Bowl Weekend Already Goddammit

Game on!

Former Iron Bowl
Birmingham() That seems to be the sentiment throughout Alabama as we rush headlong into Iron Bowl Weekend. "The whole goddamn season is practically freakin' over," remarked one Crimson Tide fan at PT's Tavern. A supposed Auburn fan exposed similar feelings saying, "Now I suppose I have no choice but to go to the damn mall with the wife." This year's Iron Bowl arrives with a speed even lifelong fans of the rivalry find hard to believe. "Didn't they used to play this freakin' game after Thanksgiving?" queried a Crestwood homeowner. "I'm already hearing Christmas music on the goddamn radio and I haven't even cleaned up from my Halloween party." The wife of the Crestwood homeowner was nonplussed, "I don't know much about the game and all, but I do know that it is the perfect weekend to get those bulbs in the ground."

UAB Offers to Play Winner of Iron Bowl for State Championship

New Championship

Even more super
Blazer Village(JM) Watson Brown, head football coach for the University of Alabama at Birmingham challenged his colleagues in Tuscaloosa and Auburn to meet his Blazer team in Birmingham on December 8 to decide the state title. "Unless one of these nationally ranked teams gets past us, they can't really call themselves State Champs." Legion Field officials, who are expecting a large turnout already for that weekend's "Super Six" high school matchups, agree that the game would be good for Birmingham and good for the state. "It would be a great way to cap off the weekend - give these kids another chance to see the college guys play and bring the big game for braggin' rights back to where it belongs, in the Football Capitol of the South," said stadium manager Walter Garrett. Officials from Alabama and Auburn have not responded officially to the challenge, but an unnamed spokesman for the Crimson Tide said it was unlikely that Alabama could accept the offer even if it wanted to. "The NCAA has been clear that our football team is barred from post-season games this year. So the team has really focused on beating Auburn, and on the trip to see the Rainbows at Aloha Stadium. After November 30, the guys are looking forward to spending the holidays studying with their tutors, and spending some quality time in the weight room preparing for next season."

Crimson Tide to Retire Gump's #44 at Halftime Ceremony

Gump, Gump, Tide

A Forrest to retire
Tuscaloosa(JM) University of Alabama Athletic Director Mal Moore. announced today that Forrest Gump's #44 Crimson Tide jersey will be retired at a ceremony planned for halftime of the Nov. 23 game against Auburn. Gump, who played football for Alabama under Coach Paul "Bear" Bryant is remembered most for the "Run, Forrest, Run!" play in which, after scoring a sixty yard rushing touchdown, he just kept running out of the endzone, off the field and into the caverns of George Denny Stadium. Although a walk-on who had sat on the bench most of the season, the memorable run galvanized fans and the team went on to win one of their twelve national championships. "Football stardom was only the beginning of Gump's storied career," relates biographer Winston Groom, "this kid, who started out unpromisingly enough as the mentally-retarded son of a Greenbow widow went on to serve honorably in the Viet Nam War, become a world-champion table-tennis player, found a successful shrimping company, and make a fortune in the stock market. But the thing about Forrest is that he never let fame get to him. He focused on friendships and never forgot the lessons his mother had taught him." Punter Lane Bearden, the current wearer of the #44 jersey, said that he is proud to follow in Gump's footsteps. Although the two have never met, Bearden says he was deeply influenced by seeing the movie adaptation of Gump's life. "Seeing Forrest streaking down the field with the crowd roaring up after him just electrified me," recalled Bearden, 24, a senior communications major. "I knew right then I wanted to play for 'Bama." After this season, no Crimson Tide player will again wear the number 44, and a framed replica of Gump's national championship jersey will hang in the Paul W. Bryant Museum on campus.

For Tiger Victory, David Housel To Swear Off Fatty Foods

fat dispenser

No more fatty foods
Auburn() Aubrun athletic director David Housel swears he will stop eating his morning honey bun if the Tigers can pull out a victory in Saturday's Iron Bowl. "For seven years, I've been getting one out of the machine to have with my first cup of coffee," said Housel. "It is the largest item (in ounces) in the vending machine, and I was always taught to get my money's worth." The Mrs. Freshley's jumbo honey bun does indicate great value. The closest item in size to the 4.75 ounce honey bun is a 4.25 ounce Dolly Madison bear claw, while both items cost only 75 cents. The Mrs. Freshley's offering was also named 'Pastry Product of the Year', according to the wrapper. "And it's not just the honey bun," proclaimed Housel. "I'm thinking about abandoning that vending machine altogether...although the box of Krispy Kreme crullers that Janice brings in around 9:30 may have to stay." This is Housel's first attempt at swearing off fatty foods since promising to do so if Rudi Johnson went in the first round.