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| For November 22, 2000 "Who's your friend when things get rough?" - Vol. I No. XIV published every other Wednesday |
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Southside() Utilizing a technology originally developed to aid the disabled in performing daily tasks which most of us take for granted, Richard Scrushy is now able to put on his pants two legs at a time. Scrushy unveiled the technology during a Tuesday morning breakfast meeting at Healthsouth's Birmingham headquarters. Showing off to several of his top executives, Scrushy came into the meeting wearing only his briefs and proceeded to lie prone on the board room table. Next to him was a metal contraption resembling a set of gymnast's parallel bars. A pair of neatly pressed slacks was hanging from a large metal circus hoop at one end. CFO Michael Veitch describes the ensuing scene in awed tones. "Mr. Scrushy reached toward the machine and pressed a simple red button." What follows still has Veitch and many experts scratching their heads. "The thing scooped Scrushy off the table and tossed him through the hoop. Next thing you know, there he was, standing with both legs in his pants." Scrushy then proceeded to explain how a dangerous technology such as this could never be revealed to the world and would have to remain under "private control for fear of it falling into the hands of Magneto and his Brotherhood of Evil Mutants." Apparently many such remarkable devices have been developed by Healthsouth's own research department. This amazing group, nicknamed by Scrushy 'The Xavier Institute for Higher Learning', is an outgrowth of his massive health care empire. The Institute is dedicated to developing biomedical and mechanical solutions for improving the lives of all those with disabilities. However, according to anonymous sources within the company, most of the department's output remains in Scrushy's private residence pending further testing. For instance Scrushy has been using a device for the past two years which attaches to his scalp in order to stimulate hair follicle growth. Another tiny contact lens like gadget attaches to Scrushy's iris and allows his pupils to dilate more than humanly possible. This not only gives Scrushy the ability to see in the dark, it has the added benefit of allowing him to see directly into the souls of his enemies. None of these devices have yet been approved by the FDA due to Scrushy's steadfast refusal to allow anyone access to them. The research department will continue its efforts in hopes of one day actually releasing a technology that will benefit the public.
Southside() Seeking to end the 145 pound weight limit for gorgeous lady Jell-O® wrestlers at a local Southside night spot, officials from the Jell-O® company will be in Birmingham this Thursday night to perform product tests on the jiggly substance both before and after the matches. The issue at hand: R&D scientists have yet to develop a product which maintains a sufficient degree of wiggliness after hours of repeated pummeling by big beautiful ladies. "We halted similar studies back the mid '80s, when the booming Jell-O® wrestling craze of the previous decade dwindled to near extinction," says Phil Palmer Jell-O® spokesperson. "But because of the sport's resurgence in popularity, localized mainly in the southeast, we have opened a new research department at Cottonwood for the sole purpose of engineering a professional grade cube." For most of the last decade, Morrison's, Piccadily, and the comedian Gallagher have been the major wholesale purchasers of Jell-O® brand gelatin. But in recent months, popular night spots have become hungry for Jell-O® and lots of it. Bell Bottoms, once known for supporting musical acts like Jay Willoughby and Telluride Unplugged, have found themselves a veritable gold mine in female Jell-O® wrestling. Looking to broaden their appeal, Bell Bottoms has called upon the Jell-O® company to make possible 'Large and In Charge Night,' once a week on Wednesdays. "Thankfully, Jell-O® has taken notice of our needs," says Earl Redman, general manager of Bell Bottoms. According to Redman, more and more husbands have been inquiring about the possibility of their wives joining the fun. "Sadly, I have to refuse nine out of ten requests, due to the weight limit. Whenever I allow these larger women to wrestle, I have to do twice as many ring refills per night. It's simply not fair that this flaw in the basic molecular properties of Jell-O® has made wrestling in it the near exclusive domain of skinny white girls. Don't get me wrong, I mean our reigning champion, Dawn Treader at about a buck-o-five (105 pounds), puts asses in seats, but we need more pounding flesh per match to really bring 'em in." Bell Bottoms (formerly Louie Louie) is located on the corner of 20th Street and Highland Avenue, in Five Points. There's always room for more.
McCalla() Dennis Hardy of McCalla filed suit today in district Judge Roy Moore's court over what he describes as 'confusion' at his designated polling precinct on Tuesday, November 7th during the supposed presidential election. Officials have determined Hardy was apparently unaware of the correct spelling of Bo Jackson's name on the write-in portion of his ballot. Hardy's attorney, Patrick Mulry, believes that had some sort of reference material been provided at the precinct, his client's vote for 'Bo Jasson' would have gone to the correct personage of "the greatest running back of all time", Vincent 'Bo' Jackson of Bessemer. The feverish Hardy, against the advice of Attorney Mulry, also claims that his miscounted vote could have turned the election in Jackson's favor considering the dozen or so other people he knows personally who voted for Mr. Jackson over his closest opponent, Dale Earnhardt. "My pollin shows twev people votin for Jasson, and four fer Earnhardt," said Hardy. "I only know about twenny people, and if twev voted for Jasson I reckon that's more than half." When told that his small sample size and particular demographic might not reflect the state as a whole Hardy only stared. According to his family, Hardy has voted for Ron Paul in every presidential election since 1980 and did not want to waste another vote. That is why he decided to back a winner this time. Hardy continues to insist that Jackson is and always will be a winner. Mr. Jackson could not be reached for comment on the situation.
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