The Birminghamster
For December 10, 2003 "Deck us all with Boston Charlie." - Vol. IV No. IX published every other Wednesday

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  Female Form Declared Too Sexy

censored dummies

Homewood Mannequins

Homewood(KW) Responding to popular outcry, the Homewood city council today officially declared the female form too sexy. Although many women's groups are outraged, the ruling has local residents cheering what they consider to be a long overdue victory for traditional Alabama values. At the heart of the controversy is the storefront display at the Victoria's Secret store in Brookwood Mall. The display, which consists of scantily clad mannequins, has been called "a shameless example of underwear-mongery," by local citizens.

Even worse, it has provoked needless impromptu education, forcing many parents to explain the process of conception to their children. Homewood housewife Bethany Bryant states, "I'm horrified! Last night my fourteen year old told me she didn't believe that babies were really brought by a stork. The store's manager, Randall 'Randy' Peters, defends the display. "We are simply trying to improve women's self-esteem by promoting unrealistic body styles."

The crisis has streched the social fabric of Homewood thinner than a summer nightie, with support split on both sides of the issue. The dilemma began when 82 year old councilman Lemuel Bulger went to Victoria's Secret to buy a chastity belt for his granddaughter. The octogenarian knew the store had broken the bounds of modesty when he realized that most of the mannequins weren't even married. Bulger scoffs at Peters' assertion that the mannequins are good for women. "God never intended a woman to feel good about her body. Check out a little book called the Bible if you don't believe me."

Outraged by what he saw, Bulger convened an emergency council meeting where the 'Too Sexy for Homewood' resolution was passed. Council members will decide tomorrow on how to enforce Bulger's proclamation that "Christian decency demands that a woman hide her body in shame." One proposal would require all women to wear a full-length head cover with a screen or lace area for breathing. Ankles would also be covered at all times. By concealing any potentially attractive areas, women would be rendered unsexy, thereby preserving peace and stability in the region.

In an effort to temporarily defuse the crisis, Lane Bryant has asked its customers to walk around in their underwear in front of the Victoria's Secret window. While this is also making patrons uncomfortable, no on has yet accused Bryant's customers of being too sexy.

SouthTown Holds Annual Lighting Ceremony

a HUD Christmas

Holiday In Lights

Southside() On Tuesday night, residents of SouthTown apartments held their annual Christmas lighting ceremony. The event, which seems to keep getting bigger every year, was capped by the playing of Christmas classics out of the back of several tricked out vehicles. Snoop Dog's popular carol 'Santa Clause Goes Straight To The Ghetto' could be heard clearly from a spoilered Mitsubishi Lancer with its doors and trunk open.

The holiday spirit was in no way dimmed by substandard housing as dozens of residents pitched in to make University Boulevard into a solid wall of flashing lights and festive scenes. One bystander was captured by the majesty of the moment. "I didn't think it was possible to have so much Christmas cheer in rental properties," said Chad Brown while filling up his car at the BP station. "It felt much more magical than the Galleria lighting ceremony. If only I could shop on Southside."

Residents were equally delighted with this year's lights. "This is the best thing to happen around here since they started that central air-conditioning project," said SouthTown resident Fannella Patterson. The lights of SouthTown will remain on through Christmas and probably much of January. The lights can be seen along University Blvd. (8th Ave. S) between 24th and 23rd Streets and also along 23rd Street. Visitors are encouraged to drive through, but it is not recommended that they get out of their cars.

Kinkade Shares Vision For Revitalized Birmingham

pastoral scenes

Visions of a Better Birmingham

City Hall(JM) During his re-election campaign Mayor Kinkade promised to work hard to revitalize Birmingham's decaying neighborhoods. In a press conference held today, the mayor revealed his vision for a city of dazzling dew-kissed lawns and warm homey residences crisscrossed by gentle streams and illuminated by beams of warm golden sunlight. Kincade is known for spending his off-hours holed up in his studio, a vine-encrusted thatch-roofed cottage situated next to a koi pond behind his Ensley home. There, under the part-colored glow of sunlight streaming in through colored leaded-glass windows, the mayor paints endless images of how he imagines Birmingham could be.

While many Birmingham residents will get their first peek at the mayor's vision next month as he brings his paintings to each of the city's neighborhood association meetings, staffers have become accustomed to seeing the gilt-framed canvasses covering the hallways on the third floor executive suite of City Hall. Beginning next week, prints will also be on view at Chris McNair's gallery on 6th Avenue South and at the mayor's exclusive retail outlet in the Riverchase Galleria.

Citizens who are moved by the mayor's passion and creativity are encouraged to visit the Galleria location (Lower Level, next to J.C.Penny) where an assortment of tote-bags, mouse-pads, notecards and calendars bearing Kinkade's comforting and inspiring illustrations can be perused. A Kincade original makes a great Christmas gift.