|For November 14, 2001 "The Iron Bowl cometh." - Special Issue - published every other Wednesday|
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Goldwire() Roshell Sands, the mother of a boy who frequently sees ghosts, is worried that her son may be in some trouble. Seven year old Darius insists that the ghosts only want to talk, much the same as specters who visited a young Cole Sear in the hit movie 'The Sixth Sense'. The only difference is that the ghosts he sees are all associated with Crimson Tide football. Darius first told his mother about the ghosts during a car ride to her job at Baptist Medical Center - Princeton. "It happened as we were driving down Lomb Avenue past Elmwood," said Mrs. Sands. "He just kept saying that Bear Bryant was pacing back and forth, motioning for him to come over to the fence. I didn't even think he knew who Bear Bryant was."
Some weeks later the ghost of Derrick Thomas appeared to Darius during his Pop Warner football game, giving him tips on how to defeat his blocker and sack the quarterback. Darius finished that game with six sacks. At first Mrs. Sands believed that her son was simply a bright child with a vivid imagination and a strong love for Crimson Tide football. But one night as she got off of work early she could not find Darius. Searching frantically she finally found him out behind the hospital cafeteria near the dumpsters.
When he claimed he saw the ghost of Ray Perkins rummaging around, Mrs. Sands knew her son must be telling the truth. "No one remembers Ray Perkins," said Mrs. Sands. "No one could have told my little boy to say that." When informed that Darius may have seen the actual Perkins, since he is still living, Mrs. Sands was somewhat relieved. The reason for these ghostly visits to young Darius is still somewhat of a mystery to Mrs. Sands. "I don't know what they want with my boy, he can't sign to play for another 11 years. They better just leave him be until then."
Gardendale() During his search for more raw materials for his tape mixing operation, Gardendale resident James Whitcomb discovered what he thought was just another tape of his church choir. But when he listened to it he was surprised to hear the voices of former I-95 DJs Mark and Brian warbling from the Audiovox. "It was their famous 'My Bo' song," said Whitcomb. "I had forgotten about that one. It was so funny I almost fell out of my chair while I was cleaning my gun."
With the Iron Bowl looming on the horizon, Whitcomb has decided to add the song to his latest 'perfect mix' tape. This is the mix that Whitcomb has been working on for over a year in attempts to win back his girlfriend. "I'm sure she will get a kick out of the 'My Bo' song," said Whitcomb. "Even if she doesn't know who Bo Jackson is." The famous song was penned by former Birmingham radio DJs Mark Thompson and Brian Phelps during the height of Bo Jackson's glory days at Auburn University. Sung to the tune of 'My Girl' the song features a rich comic narrative by Thompson as he pretends to be Bo Jackson. "I'm Bo Jasson, and I run with the football," mimics Thompson. "I run the ball up the field, I run the ball down the field. Come on everybody, take my picture. Cause I'm Bo Jasson."
Whitcomb was doubly pleased to discover the song in light of Mark and Brian's recent failed return to Birmingham radio. "This thing is going to be even more valuable now," said Whitcomb. "We may never get Mark and Brian back on the radio here." While this may be true, collections like Whitcomb's ensure that Birminghamsters will have a steady supply of their comedic genius for years to come.
Auburn() Flexing his muscle yet again, Auburn University Uber Trustee Bobby Lowder has threatened to sue the SEC unless the Tigers are officially proclaimed the 'Super Terrific Champs Of All-Time.' Feeling his oats after a series of successful oustings at the university, including former president William Muse and head football coach Terry Bowden, Lowder has stepped out of the shadows to officially proclaim dominance over 'his' school. Lowder's hand neutered trustee partners have all agreed to the lawsuit, filed Tuesday in Judge Roy Moore's Montgomery courtroom.
This latest sign of restlessness indicates that Lowder may no longer be satisfied with his Auburn fiefdom. He has reportedly been making overtures to the Duchy of Luxembourg about a possible takeover. The Duchy's leaders are not beholden to Lowder in any way, which may make his takeover bid somewhat difficult. The SEC however, has made early indications that it is willing to comply with Lowder's latest demand. "I'm not saying it would go on any official stationery," said SEC commissioner Roy Kramer. "But if Auburn wants to paint the slogan onto their field, we certainly won't object. Just make sure they spell 'Auburn' correctly."